I Need to Make A Huge Apology: An Update Regarding The Well

In this special episode, I’m taking a step back to open up about something important, something I feel I owe you an apology for. It’s a humbling moment, but I believe it’s also an opportunity to bring us closer to the heart of what this movement is all about.

Join me as I share the story behind the scenes, the lessons learned, and why I’m more committed than ever to making a change that truly honors mothers and our collective calling. Stick around to the end—there’s a powerful invitation to be part of something bigger than ourselves, something that can transform lives.

This episode isn’t just an update; it’s an honest look at the journey, the challenges, and the incredible vision we’re building together. Don’t miss it.

Join us in the Eternal Postpartum Movement where we seek to radically re-define postpartum, supporting providers and mothers in reclaiming wellness and collectivism through the infinite chapters of postpartum. We invite you to join the movement and make a lasting impact on mothers in need. Every contribution, big or small, helps us bring freedom, restoration, and support to women on their postpartum journey.

• To pledge your support, email us directly at support@elephant-baby.com with your commitment. Whether it’s $50, $100, $1,000, or more, every gift counts toward building a powerful community rooted in love, faith, and the strength of togetherness. You can also give by visiting https://www.elephant-baby.com/donate
• To join our team locally as a postpartum provider, please submit your application HERE.
• If you're ready to elevate your impact, increase your client load and position yourself as an expert in the field of postpartum, CLICK HERE!
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Transcript

  📍 Hello to my elephant baby family. And welcome back to another episode of the eternal post-partum podcast. It has been awhile since I have connected with you all. And I'm excited to just sit back and share my heart today. After, um, taking a moment to really reflect. On the future and the vision and where we're going with elephant baby and the eternal postpartum movement.  This is going to be totally unscripted. This is going to be totally unedited, which those of you guys who listen to the podcast, you probably know that I am not too bothered by that because I've never spent a ton of time or energy trying to edit like a perfect podcast. 

It's just not my gift and not my zone of joy and genius. Um, but I tried to make it to where it's manageable for you guys too. Uh, just listen and enjoy and just have a decent sound quality. But, um, today it, it, this is totally unscripted and, um,  It's eight.  What time is it here? It's 8:31 AM here. And, uh, once Phil, Missouri. And my kids are still sleeping and we had a late night last night. We were out playing games pretty late last night. 

And so, um, it, it's, it's pretty likely that one of my kids will be coming into my office at any, at any moment. Uh, during this recording and guess what? I am not going to edit it out at all. So.  Uh, if you're watching on YouTube, you'll see that if you are listening in on the podcast, Um, then you're going to hear it. And so I apologize in advance, but.  Aye. Was just sitting this morning and I had. Taken some time to just really pray. And to really reflect, um, actually before I get into this, maybe you guys are listening in for the very first time and you have no idea. Who I am. 

You have no idea? Well, you probably have sort of an idea of what the podcast is about. Uh, just looking at the name, but I'm Kyla Lawson. I'm the owner and founder of elephant baby. We are an innovative postpartum care agency here in St. Louis, Missouri. Um, that helps moms to feel as supported, nurtured, and empowered throughout the infinite chapters of postpartum. And, um, I am also the leader of our nonprofit, which is the elephant baby foundation. 

And together, these two organizations are. Spearheading our radical movement, it's called the eternal post-partum movement and which we essentially are reflecting what we've been doing here at the agency. With elephant baby. For the last few years, this is what we're reflecting in the movement. And again, the goal is to support mothers and providers and reclaiming collectivism in wellness. Um, throughout the infinite chapters of postpartum, according to biblical principles. 

So. That's a little bit about me. If you want to get to know more than just feel free to listen to, um, any previous episodes of the podcast or go to my Facebook page. Even though I am going to be off Facebook for awhile. I might get into that, but I just wanted to take. A few moments. I'm hoping this is not too long. 

And this video is going out to all of our email subscribers who have, um, you know, sign up to receive updates about what we're doing here at elephant baby as well, because I want to share my heart because I was sitting and I was thinking, and I was reflecting. And I am so passionate about what we are doing here at elephant baby. And over the weekend, I had the opportunity of going to a retreat. And, um,  Surprisingly unknowingly. 

I had the opportunity to. Share my story, um, over and over and over again. And I feel like it just. Ignited. A passion and it initiated and prompted this apology that I want to give to you guys today. And the reason why I want to issue an apology is because I don't feel like that I have. Done a really good job of.  Sharing and being authentic. Um, with where. The most high God. Um, is taking me and is taking whoever wants to, you know, right along with me in this journey. I think I've done a good job of reflecting the heart of what we're doing here. And the reason why I say that is because.  A few months, a couple of months ago, I made an announcement about the coming of the well, and for those of you all who don't know the well is. Um, a post-partum and motherhood renewal retreat that we are working to bring here to our St. 

Louis community. And so many of you guys where we're at are so excited about this beautiful resource that mothers in our community are going to be able to have access to. And I, and the reason why I say I haven't been authentic is because I first off, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I will be honest in that. 

Um, it's the same with elephant baby. Like.  

God gave me a vision and he gave me in a moment. It was almost like a calling in a moment. And I'll share that because I do feel led to kind of share. My story and how we got here and how, um, it's not only about me, but how we got here as women who are deeply desiring to change postpartum here in our society. Um,  

but yeah, I, I do not, even when I started this business, which is thriving and we're growing and, you know, I've had to learn a lot along the way, like. Aye. I, I didn't know, like, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want people to know that I don't know what I'm doing because in my head and in my mind, Is that people won't want to partner with this organization if I don't have it altogether. 

And if I don't learn it all and if I don't know at all, and I don't have. Uh, clear. You know, strategy. I don't have everything laid out and I know that those things are important and. Important to have a plan and a strategy. Um, You know, being a business owner for the last few years has taught me that it's important to have a plan for growth and steps to execute. But at the same time, on the flip side, 



There's a learning curve and I'm not meant to have it all together or to know it all or to do it all. 

And sometimes I feel that I have to do that as the leader, owner and founder. Of, um, these organizations and, um, you know, being an executing, you know, the vision of the eternal postpartum movement. And so oftentimes it puts me in freeze mode because. Um, I have never led a, um, a nonprofit before. I am still very new and owning and running a business and a business that has been growing and has been successful, but still, I often have doubts that creep up in my mind that prevent me from stepping into fully what I feel like the most high guide. Um, and you guys are, you guys are going to hear me mention God over and over again, because he's an integral part of my life. 

And I believe that he is truly. Wanting to do something big and in, through us, in our community here in St. Louis. And so  I, I'm not going to apologize for that. Um,  I've talked about this before. So again, if you're, if you're new here jumping in, um, all are welcome. You know, I am not going to isolate. Or say that you can't be a part of this, and I've always said that. Um, all of my contractors here at elephant baby know that, you know, we don't have to think alike believe the same things. 

We are empowered to make our own choices in. Um, just about what we believe, but that's something that I am not shying away from. And so just want to clarify that. Um, But yeah, I often feel that I.  Um, inhibiting what.  



What the father truly wants to do here in our community, through what we're doing through the eternal postpartum movement. 

And. So. I feel a ness. I feel that it's necessary to take the time to apologize to all of our followers.  All, uh, especially those who have subscribed to receive updates of the well, and I'm going to be very vulnerable here. Uh, because I have no clue what I'm doing. I am often like, Trying to figure out what everybody else does in order. To move ahead with what is what we're doing here at elephant baby and what we're doing here with the nonprofit.  Um, I took that approach when I started elephant, baby kind of learning, you know, how do I do this? 

I have no clue. I just got this vision and I'm a visionary, like how do I put all the pieces together? And, um, so when I announced the, well, I didn't even have any sort of subscriber email list set up because that's how I am. Um, I'm a visionary. I am.  I'm going to get the word out. Like it's, I'm excited about this. 

I am a spur them. Like I just live in the moment almost when it comes to these big dreams and big visions. And when it's time to go, even though I don't have all of the details laid out. When I know it's time to go, then I'm going. And I'm going to share with those who are, you know, I'm going to share you. You know, so that's kind of, I didn't have an email list. 

Um, Set up or anything like that. And I just got an overwhelming response of excitement ad. At this point, I can't tell you how many comments and how many likes are on the pin posts of my Facebook page, but you guys are excited about this. And so, um, Someone gave me some advice, you know, Hey, Create an email list so that they can stay updated, you know, and we can give updates about the well, and I'm like, sure. 

Okay. But what do I put in the email list? And you know, what do I put in the emails that I'm sending out? And so.  I asked Chad GPT to help me. Create like a sequence. Um, to send out to our subscribers. And this is where I feel like I have to apologize because.  

I, that is a part of like, not showing up as my authentic self. That is a part of copying and doing what other people do become or what other organizations, organizations who are successful might do. And I think you, those of you guys who have known me for so long, know that. I've always just tried to show up authentically. And this journey that we call life, you know, through every struggle that I experienced, some of you guys pre elephant baby, before I even, um, started elephant baby. 

When you were connected with me on social, you guys got to know me. You know, I shared vulnerably openly and authentically regarding issues that I was experiencing in my marriage. I shared openly the things that I. Um, you know, experienced in my motherhood journey, the feelings of like hating being a mother and hating, not being able to show up for my kids. 

And you know, you guys have been with me through this journey and it's always been my. Goal to show up with transparency, because I feel like when we do that, then it opens up a space. For ministry. Not saying that I feel called to help every single person, but I remember feeling very lonely and some of the darkest moments of my life and feeling like I was very alone in that nobody else was experiencing what I was experiencing. 

I would go to church and people would say, you know, we would have conversations about how you, how are you doing? And it would just be so surface level. And I will literally go home and just like bawl my eyes out because nobody was experiencing. The weight of marriage, like I was experiencing it. Nobody was experiencing the weight of motherhood. Like nobody, like I had made up in my mind that this was the case. 

And so.  From that there was a certain point in time where I feel like, um,  El Shaddai our eternal creator, my heavenly father. He just. Like prompted on my heart and pushed him on heart. Like Kilah, just start showing up and being authentic, like.  Start sharing with people. What you're going through. Help them know that they're not alone. 

And it's always been my heart to do that and to encourage other women in the things that they may be wrestling with.  And so I forgot where I was going with this. But I say all that to say. That you guys. I want to do this differently. I don't want it to be the cookie cutter of like what everybody else is doing. I want to showcase that. What we're doing here with the eternal postpartum movement is different. And the reason that I know that is different is not only because of, you know, what we're bringing to our community. You know, we're bringing a renewal retreat that supports mothers, not only immediately postpartum, but through the infinite chapters of postpartum. In that retreat, We're highly, highly, highly going to be focused on community. 

And we're going to fellowship. We're going to gather, we're going to eat. I truly have this vision where women can come. And they can pour out their hearts and their souls and they can be waited on hand and foot. They can be served, they can be nourished. They can be encouraged like challenged. Uh, we can grow, we can learn like.  And the difference is that not only is this for mothers who. Um, you know, at any stage postpartum, but it's also going to be mothers for mothers who cannot easily access, support, like this. Um, when I've done my research and I've looked around at other postpartum retreats and you know, the price tag on those retreats is 800 to $1,200 a night. 

And let's be honest. Like I can't afford that for my family. And so I believe that mothers should be able to easily access this care.  



That it should be easily accessible. And I want to take we're 15 minutes in and I want to take a moment to just share my story with you guys, because you may not know. 

And. As I was sharing. With other women over this retreat, it reminded me of like how I got here. It reminded me of why the eternal postpartum movement was birthed. It reminded me of like, why, what, like our purpose for the well, And I just don't feel like any sort of email communications, whatever. Um, bring to life and bring to vision what we're working to do here. 

And so I just want to apologize again for not being authentic. I don't want to be cookie cutter. This is different. Like what we're doing here is different. And another thing that I know is. What we're doing here is truly ministry. Those are you guys know that? Well, maybe you don't, again, we're not going to assume, but I believe that the heart of God is. 

So I believe that he's so grieved.  With so many of our churches here, maybe you guys have a very similar experience to me. Where you grew up in the church and maybe you're coming out of that system. You're coming out of the religious systems. You're looking and you're seeing that. What I believe about the Bible. 

Like most of the churches don't reflect what. What, um, the Bible says. And again, maybe you don't even adhere to the Bible, but again, I'm just speaking my.  You know, I'm just speaking authentically and where, what are, what I feel that God is pressing on my heart, but I believe that his heart is so grieved because we are so caught up. And systems of religion and it's suppressing and its oppressing not only the church body, but also those outside of the church that we are called to elevate. See the thing I know about the most high God, the thing I know about the God of.. And the reason why I could keep saying most high God is cause I want to be clear of who I serve. But the thing about the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The thing about the God that I call Abba father, who I, I have seen. Um, his hand and my life. 

So clearly.  As his heart is for those who his, his heart has always been. For those who are marginalized in our society.  Um,  Those who are in need.  Um, those who are in lower socioeconomic communities that our society says, well, they don't really.  They can't access the support in this care. 

And this love like, well, you know,  You know, it makes it more difficult for them to access the thing, you know, basic needs. 

And you see   the heart of the father is at the church. Care for the orphan care for those in need. Care and  love on the widow like that has been his heart. Like from the very beginning.  And what I've noticed that is that our churches. Do not reflect. The heart of the God that we say that we serve. And.  I feel this grief that he is feeling I started when I started praying father break my heart for what's breaks yours. He began to show me it's his church, that he is grieved with the hypocrisy in his church.  The greed and his church, the oppression in his church.  

The fact that his church. Doesn't even align. Like we don't even align ourselves with the things that we say that we believe about the Bible.  

And so.  As time goes on as months go by, I'm starting to have clarity on what the well was supposed to be, what it's supposed to look like when I think ministry, when I think full-time ministry, my mind automatically goes to church. Or being a missionary or some, you know what I've been indoctrinated to believe?  But the thing about it is what we are doing here at elephant baby. What you guys are doing as doulas midwives. Um, as maternal care providers, you guys are providing a ministry to mothers that. Oh, my goodness. 

It's so needed. You're impacting the lives of mother and mothers in such an intricate.  And profound way.  And so I I've had, I've been given clarity on what we're, what the well, and what we're bringing forth in the community, that it is. Truly a ministry.  Uh, ministry that, you know, often people are seeking and searching. 

They're looking for hope. The hopeless are looking for hope. The depressed are looking to find joy. And what I do know is that the well.  We'll be placed as a city on a hill in our community, in a world that feels dark in a world that is filled with fear and a world that. Where it feels like there's no hope. I mean.  And the encouragement is going. 

Like, all I want to do is reflect the heart of my father.  All I want to do is reflect. The kingdom of the most high God and what we're doing at the well.  

And so I wanted to just take a moment to share it with you guys. Um, again, I've connected with you guys recently, Mo most, a lot of you guys I've connected with recently, you heard about the well, and you got all of these chat GPT, uh,  



Um, structured emails and it's just no more. 

So those of you guys who have recently subscribed. Again, it's November 14th, 2025. Those of you guys who have recently subscribed, you're going to be unsubscribed from that email sequence. And any new subscribers will no longer be emailed to that sequence.  'cause I just know that.  

I just can't be, I can't try to do things like how others are doing and I just am so excited to just give all praise to the most high for. What he's getting, what he's working already in this community. And what he is. What he and in through us.  You know, once to do, to elevate mothers in our community here in St. 

Louis.  And.  It's going to happen with speed. It's not going to be like any other nonprofit. Like I know this, like we are in the beginning stages of planning. And the well we'll be here by 2025. Like.  

Like, I just, I have that faith. I have that faith. I know that it's white.  I'm being called. To, um, just do things with speed. And I'm I'm, I'm aligning myself with that, but.  

The reason why. We have started this movement and where it started. Let's go there.  So.  Um, 11 years ago, 12 years ago, actually, because my oldest is 11. I started, my mother had journey. It was about a year after I got pregnant that the year of our anniversary that, you know, on our first year anniversary, the weekend I found out I was pregnant. 

Um, Was the weekend of our first year anniversary. I just jumbled that. So I hope you're out. It's still following along, but.  Um, my first pregnancy was smooth. Um, my first postpartum was smooth. It was so smooth that I was, you know, I was running miles within weeks of having my baby and.  You know, I. Look back now. 

And obviously those of you guys who know what I teach, you know, I was very ignorant of, you know, the recovery that's needed during the postpartum time. And so just imagine. You know, running, I'm running miles, I'm eating all the things that I think are healthy. You know, a bunch of salads and smoothies and unbeknownst to me, I, you know, these things were actually hindering my postpartum body.  And, um, I made sure a little bit about that later, but you guys know what I practice and preach all the time. 

Like postpartum you're our bodies are so different. You know, they change drastically. And if we don't understand the physiologically, what is happening with our bodies? And implement protocols, nutritionally and implement protocols of rest that align with what. Is happening. There's a lot physiologically when we set ourselves up. For long-term health issues. 

And that is what I experienced. Um, so fast forward, six months after I had my first, I found out I was pregnant with my second and. Um, we did not play in. To have my second back quickly. And. I would say that that was the first. Bout of depression that I experienced, I was really, um, like not ready to have another child. 

And, um, you know, because I earned a degree in psychology, I understood what I was going through. And I remember that it was very difficult for my husband, Chuck too.  To, to like help me during that time. Like, he didn't know how to come alongside me and help me through. That depression.  And so that was like the onset of. Um, what the world would deem as like mental health issues for me and I wrestled with depression for over nine years. Before, um,  

Overcoming.  And those seasons. So it wasn't just like I was depressed all the time for nine years. Um, it was more so I would have seasons of depression.  Um,  I would depression would look differently for me in every season. In some seasons it would look like.  Um, The inability to do everyday tasks.  And some seasons I experienced postpartum rage. 

And I remember there was a long period of my life where.  You know, I'm dealing with my little one. So I had, I had five children and they were very close in age. At one point in time, I had six, five kids, six and under. So that gives you guys a good idea. And again, speaking into the fact that you know, my, my body didn't have the time to recover. And replenish in between pregnancies. And so, I mean, I didn't know. 

I didn't know. I didn't know what my body needed until I entered the field as a postpartum doula. And so, um, I struggled. I struggled with depression off and on for over nine years. And again, it looked differently.  Um, Sometimes again, I would go through these cycles of rage where, you know, I wouldn't try so hard and I would start the day. I like being so intentional about showing up as the best mother that I could be showing up as the loving mother, the patient mother. Um, the nurturing mom. Um, but I was so disconnected with my children. And as hard as I tried mentally, um, by the time it hit the end of the night, you know, I was flying off the handle at my kids.  Many of you guys know my husband is a firefighter. 

So when he stepped into this field, um, it meant a lot of sacrifice for our family. It meant that he. Wasn't is now still away from our home. For, um,  48 hour periods sometimes longer. And so I found myself feeling very alone in, especially when he instill, I hate when Chuck gone.  Because he brings such a grounding to our home and he loves us so well, but.  Um, I like in the times where he was away at the firehouse, I would really, really struggle. Like I would try so hard. And I remember just at the end of the night. Like just going off, like flying off the handle, yelling at my kids, like being so tired. Being so burnt out being so exhausted. And then they would finally go to sleep and I would feel like a wave of guilt.  Like I hated.  Myself as a mother. Like I deeply desired to be.  You know, the mother that I believe that God wants me to be. But I was so disconnected. From that desire and reality. 

And.  Um, I, I, that was a cycle. The cycle of.  Let me try my best and then failing miserably and then being consumed with the guilt of failing.  And eventually.  I started to begin to have a lot of suicidal ideations, a lot of suicidal thoughts.  My mine were very subtle. Um, I would be driving and.  You know, just wonder what I would play out in my head, what life would look like if. I ran into a tree and if I died and what, what my kids would experience after that. And. I would play out these scenarios where I would just drive off the road or.  You know, I would play out these scenarios. Of what it would look like if I were gone and I had convinced that my, I had convinced myself that my kids would be so much better without me. Um,  But they deserve so much better that they deserved a mom who could show up emotionally connected. Who could show up with patience, love, care, kindness. 

And I felt so far from that. No matter how hard I tried and it just. Led into a deeper, deeper, deeper. Um,  Season of hopelessness and depression and just feeling like what's wrong with me. Like, I want to change so badly and I can't come out of this.  

And, um, I remember after I had my fourth. I was sitting there one day and I was just.  He was a newborn and I just was thinking like,  It would be so amazing if I could just like rest and bond with my, with my new baby and just focus on my kids. And I found myself surrounded with all of the things, the responsibility load of taking care of the house. Making meals for the kids.  And in that moment, I felt called, I felt a calling. 

I felt. Call to support mothers in a way that, you know, I wasn't being supported.  Um, I felt called, um, I felt this deep. Fire in my belly. Like no mother should ever have to experience this. And.  I felt the calling to, to rise and, and, and just to serve and be that support for women. And to give mothers everything that I did not have in my motherhood journey.  And so. That is probably around the same time that I announced that I was going to be. Um, starting elephant baby, and everybody always asks me about the name.  Um, and I knew that that was going to be the name because I had read a story one day where.  

I'd read a story about how like when an elephant, calf and elephant baby is born.  Like there's this triumphal ceremony that happens when they're in the wild. And, um, the baby is surrounded by female relatives and the female relatives surround the mama and.  It's like they get on their hind legs and. Uh, you know, elephants are big, so I'm like picturing this in my head and, but, you know, they get on their hind legs and it's this triumphal, you know, This triumphal moments, but it's also a moment to predators in a while to let them know like, Hey.  Do not mess with us. 

Elephants are so strong and. So I just loved the idea of the female relatives surrounding this mama and this baby, this elephant baby. And I was like, man. Like so many mothers need that.  We have been stripped of, so. Much in our society. And so many of us as mothers are struggling because we are not surrounded. 

We don't have the relatives anymore. The surround us.  We don't have community.  To walk alongside us. And, um, to ensure that we stay protected during the most vulnerable time. Of the perinatal journey, the postpartum time.  



And I, and so that's where elephant baby came from. I'm like, I want to bring that to mothers in our community. 

I want to bring that illegit again.  You know, I want to walk alongside mom and baby so that she can thrive during this time.  And so. Yeah, it was around that time in 2018. Where I kind of announced elephant baby to the world. And like, um, at the time I hadn't even heard of a doula. Let alone a postpartum doula. 

And um, some friends told me that, Hey, Kilah, oh, you want to be a postpartum doula? And I was like, oh, I don't even know what that is. So I just started Googling, like, what is the postpartum doula? And.  And 2019. About a week before I gave birth to my fifth, I completed my full spectrum doula training. And even in the training, I knew like this is so like, I, the, what I desire goes way beyond like the scope of a postpartum doula.  Um, I knew that I had in mind that I wanted to.  Create a community in a collective where mothers could essentially receive support in a one like a one-stop shop for postpartum care. And so I knew that it, it, you know, I started, I did, I did. I did it in the order of things that I thought was reasonable. 

So I became a doula at first. And fast forward six months we transitioned into agency model. And we brought on our first amazing contractors, our most amazing doulas and lactation consultants. Many of us, many of them are still with us today here. Serving our community here in St. Louis. And so shout out to you guys, if y'all are listening. Um, have so much love for these ladies and. I love this environment that we've created for providers here at elephant, baby. 

I love you guys so much.  But, yeah, so we fast fast-forwarded into, um, agency model and we've been here for a few years. It's been about three years. I believe now. So I just completed my training. And again, about a week later is when I had my fifth and this season was probably the season where I experienced the deepest bout of depression that I had ever. Experienced and.  It started when I birthed at home. I birthed at home and we ended up transferring to the hospital. And as soon as the medics, um, told me what hospital we were going to, like, I just knew. Like my mind automatically goes into fight mode because I know I know what I'm dealing with. 

Like I had become familiar with. Um, You know, the, I have become familiar with racial bias and this hospital in this area is as known. Four. Um, treating black women unwell. And I knew that I had three strikes against me. I knew that I had, um, you know, just given birth at home. I knew that I was black and I was prepared to advocate for myself. 

Like I knew what I was walking into and when I got to the hospital, I just remember.  Like I remember that the staff was so cold. They were so rude. Um, I did have this one older nurse who was my saving grace and had it not been for her. I mean, I just don't know what would've happened, but, uh, we get to the hospital and the concerns that we had were. Um, that I may be hemorrhaging, but by the time we had gotten to the hospital, I had delivered my placenta and I had already began to feel my uterus contracting. My baby was, I had began breastfeeding. 

And so.  Like those concerns had began to dwindle. And I remember just entering into the hospital, wanting to be in a quote unquote, safe space and. It was the most unsafe that I had ever felt in my life. Um, the nurses began to Badger me about what we were doing with my baby. Um, you know, they wanted to give my baby a bath and they wanted to administer all of this stuff and I just politely declined. 

And. As I declined one thing after another. I could see the visible frustration. Um, I could see how annoyed they were with me. And I could see that they were really upset about wanting to delay me wanting, you know, making that choice to delay my baby's bath and.  And it's, it's so interesting to look back on. 

I immediately knew that I did not want to stay at the hospital. Um, but the doctor came in and, um, she started to examine me and she noticed that pieces of placenta. Pieces of my placenta. We're still in my uterus and. So she let me know that she was going to have to get those out. And so she left for a little bit and then she came back in. 

She didn't even introduce herself again. The staff was. Extremely cold towards me. And then she just, without any warning begins to scrape my insides with this metal tool to, um, remove the remaining pieces of my placenta and. It was the most excruciating pain that I have ever felt. And so you could hear screams through me, gritting my teeth. Um, I looked over at my husband. 

I saw him looking at me and I knew that he wanted to be right next to my side. Um, just holding me. Um, but at that point we didn't feel comfortable. Leaving the baby with the staff because, um, they were already so frustrated. That we had decided to delay her bath and to decline any sort of vaccinations or she, we weren't trying to do anything with her there at the hospital.  And we were afraid, like we just did not trust the staff at all. 

And so all he did was look at me and I looked at him and there was like this mutual understanding that he was to remain with the baby. Um, I met, I would be okay. But, um,  

It was one of the worst experiences. That I've ever felt in my mind, in my life, I had never experienced medical abuse and, um, What I experienced was medical abuse. Um,  



I knew that I was being racially profiled, but I didn't have clarity on that fully until, um, I was finally discharged from the hospital after, you know, fighting to leave. 

They kept telling me that. You know, I could go, but they would have to keep my baby. And I just, there was no way that I was entrusting them to have my baby and, and me not be there the entire time. Like there was just no way. And, um, I kept just speaking up and saying like, why are you guys so focused on her? Like staying here when she was not even admitted, like I was the one who was admitted. 

And the thing about it is. A few weeks leading up to. My experience in the hospital, I had actually supported. Uh, mom, who. Um, through this organization, which is a really great organization that advocates for moms who. Um, decide to keep their babies after making an initial decision to adopt. And so I had just, um,  Stepped into the role. 

Um, a few weeks prior of advocating for this mom who had just, um, you know, decided to keep her baby and. Uh, um,  Somebody had hotlined her. And she was now at risk of having her baby taken away. And so there was already this sensitivity and awareness of medical kidnapping. That goes on in our country that, um, many people don't know about. 

And so it just made me that. Not more uncomfortable to leave the hospital without my baby. And so after, after hours of literally pleading, fighting, begging to leave the hospital, we eventually got discharged and, um, My husband had just finished at fire academy at the time. And he had to go in and take his state tests. 

I think it was literally the day. That we got home from the hospital. Um, he couldn't reschedule them. And so I found myself alone. With my baby and, um, our four children. And it was a strange season for us because in times past. We had family surrounding us. Um, and kind of supporting us, especially those initial days, but. Um, there were things happening on both sides of our family. Um, things happening with my family that made them unavailable. Things happen with, uh, you know, things going on with my husband's family that made them less available. 

And so I had entered into. Just began to enter into this. Deep season of depression, wandering and convincing myself that people didn't love me and wondering why nobody was showing up.  And, um, not too long after that CPS came knocking on our door and they had said that they received a call from the hospital. Um, with concerns that we had delayed our baby's bath and.  The crazy thing about this is. That delayed bath has becoming such a common practice because people are learning the benefits of, you know, keeping that vernix, um, you know, that white, cheesy stuff on the baby, so that it just brings about so many benefits and.  And so I just knew at that time like that I was being racially profiled and that, um, you know, I, at the end of the day, I was terrified that I was gonna lose my kids. Um, that they were going to take my baby. 

And, um, for weeks, like there was like a mental torment of. Like my babies are going to be taken away from me. And so the situation that I experienced in my fifth postpartum journey. I literally was the perfect cocktail and the perfect setup.  Um, for the deepest, like I said, this was the deepest season of depression that I have ever experienced. And, um, You know, God is so good because even in the depths of darkness, Even in the depth of what I experienced, he, I can see. 

So clearly that his hand pulled me out. And after years of like crying to him, like, why wouldn't he take the depression? Like, I, I believe you know that you're a healer. I believe that you can do all of these things. And I'm like praying and pleading to God. Like.  Why won't you take this depression away? And it was in that season where he began to really show me his hand. And he began to show me that, you know, there are some things that I want you to learn first, Kilah. And that is when I went down the journey of study. 

And I don't know how I had the mental capacity. I believe that it was because of the grace of the most high God, because I don't know how I had the mental capacity to read books and to study articles and to research. How do I overcome this without taking a pharmaceutical drug? Because I was terrified to take any sort of script. I knew, um, the level of dependency it could. 

Cause I knew what would happen if I took it. And. Um, you know, I knew the potential to experience withdrawal symptoms. I knew the potential to experience even worse side effects than what the. The depression in and of itself brought on. And so I was too terrified to take a script. And I just was like pleading that God which has helped me out of it. 

And I thought it would be like an instant. Moment of healing. And I was praying for that and I learned, and he showed me so clearly. No, I need you to learn how to steward your body. I need you to learn. You know, physiologically what is going on because, and now I look back and I know that it was for the very reason of supporting and equipping mothers to be able to do the same. And walk through the same journey of healing. That I did. 

And, um, so he taught me those physical, those nutritional protocols to implement. Um, well, I learned a lot of that. Um, like in through research and just understanding how. God created my body as a woman. And.  And then, um, it was about a year ago where I realized that I.  You know that I was wrestling with a stronghold of depression, because even in feeling the best that I had ever felt as a mother. Even feeling so full in vitality. 

I remember specifically having a realization that there's a strong hold over me because anytime Chuck would ask me are we would talk about, you know, getting the kids into something new and to sports or starting something new. And, you know, I always had the spear and I would always like express to him. 

You know, I love the idea of that, but I don't want to slip back into depression. And that is when God revealed to me that. I was wrestling with a stronghold over my life. And he gave me the understanding and the revelation of how, um, truly how the physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual, all interconnect. And then I was dealing with something spiritual still, even in feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Well, there was still a spiritual wrestling going on and he showed me that you have the authority and the. To tell the spirit of depression to flee because you are my child. I sacrificed my son so that you can walk in this freedom. Um, we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but we wrestle against powers and principalities. 

And I remember vividly him teaching me or wrestling against the powers and principalities, but you can walk and stand in authority. And so this is essentially again what brought, um, B eternal postpartum movement to life. And so, um,  And now we have the well, the vision of the, well, and it's the vision that I've had all, all along.  Um, a brick and mortar space. Um, that reflects what we're already doing here at elephant baby, which is providing support to mothers. And a very comprehensive way. Um, to ensure that they thrive and that they're creating lifelong habits of wellness. And here we are today and we've spearheaded this radical movement in which we're not only desiring to partner with providers here locally in St. 

Louis. But we want to spread this movement all across the nation and we want to teach our society that we have to redefine postpartum. So many mothers struggle well beyond the first year postpartum.  So many mothers experience issues. Um, that we have deemed to be normal that aren't, they're not normal. 

You guys.  They're common, but they're not normal. Being diagnosed with an auto-immune issue within your first year postpartum. Is it's a direct link. To your childbirth experience and that, and that depletion that so many mothers face. That I faced because I didn't know any better. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to be running. I didn't know that I wasn't was supposed to be eating differently. And the reason why it's so necessary for us to redefine postpartum. As because so many of your struggling. And you had your baby five, 10, maybe even 15 years ago. And you've never felt the same. 

You're struggling in the same way that I did. Bone gnawing exhaustion. I'm talking. You don't even want to plant your feet on the floor to get out of bed. Because your task list, your to do list it's exhausting. It's draining you.  You're barely showing up and you have a deep desire to show up for your children and be the mom that the most high God created you to be. 

You have that desire. But you're like I am, and there's a disconnect. Because the reality and the desire, it. There's there's something disconnecting there and you just don't feel the same since having children. Since becoming a mother. You're struggling to show up in your home and, and be the mother that you deeply desire to be. And even more than that, you can't even think in fathom what it would look like to walk.  And you're calling outside of motherhood because you're so exhausted. With just doing what you're doing now. You know that you have a higher calling to serve. 

Maybe it's just serve other women, or I don't know what that looks like, but for me, like I knew that I had a higher, I had a calling outside. Well, I don't want to say higher calling because motherhood is not a low calling.. Let's just be honest.  But I knew I had an additional calling outside of motherhood. To serve mothers in our community. To build mothers in the church. 

Like I, I knew that and, and I'm recognizing so very clearly that we are anointed. For where we are called. Some people say like, oh, well you just have the desire because of what you went through. No, everything that I went through, anointed me for where I was called to be and where I was called to serve what the most high, the calling that he had on my life. Was to serve, support, empower minister to mothers. 

 aNd it became very clear to me. That my anointing is in this area because every attack. I for deep attack that I have felt in my life has, has been related to my motherhood journey.  

Earlier this year, I experienced a miscarriage. I had five healthy pregnancies before ever experiencing a miscarriage.  

The thing about it is we are going to be anointed and the oil is going, we're going to be pressed. And that oil is going to come out. With where we are called to be. And I didn't recognize it for awhile and I resist, I didn't lean into this. Like, as you know, It didn't align to me that this is more spiritual. Um, than what I thought. You know, coming into. Um, this field and this work.  But that's something that has been so clear to me.  But again,  

We have to emphasize the need to redefine, you know, postpartum and acknowledging the fact that mothers need to be supported through the infinite chapters of postpartum mothers in our society, especially. Either other societies have.  Um, systems of support that are beautiful, beautifully woven within their community. 

And we don't have that. And I feel the heart of the father, just, he just presses on my mind daily, like get back to how I wanted it to be. Get back to the design that I had for humans. When I created you.  And that leads into the next pillar of our focus here with what we're doing at the eternal postpartum movement.  I don't know if you guys are still hanging in with me because it's been 40. Uh, 41 minutes, but I'm going to try to wrap it up. Um,  But the next pillar really centers around holistic empowerment. And it is acknowledging the fact that we have an Eternal Creator who was designed our bodies as women.  I don't believe there's nothing within me that believes, believes that our bodies were not intricately designed.  And that there was not intention with how our bodies were created. And the fact is we've, we've been.  First off, we're not even taught like about our bodies as women let alone during the postpartum time, we're not taught. That there are digestive system changes and that art, our diet needs to shift in that salads and smoothies are not the best because of all of the changes that are happening with the digestive system. We're not taught of all the hormones and you know, what's going on with each specific hormone during the postpartum time and why some levels are dropping and some levels are raising and. We're not told that if our CRH never, if we don't take the steps to try to replenish that, then it'll. Just it plummets and it stays low and that affects her cortisol.  And our cortisol. You know, impacts our ability to manage stress. 

And it's no wonder why we're in fight or flight for.  Years after we've had a baby. It's no wonder why we can barely manage the small stressors of the day. Like all of this matters. And when we learn.  About how. The most high God designed our bodies as women. And when we begin to implement protocols that reflect.  What that looks like. Then we begin to thrive and create true habits of lifelong wellness. 

Then we begin to replenish and reclaim our health in a very deep way. And every single aspect, physical, mental, spiritually, emotionally. I'm done with the rhetoric that says that we need. Um, professional. To guide us and the basic things about our health. When it comes to balancing our hormones, you know, there's, sometimes those experts are needed. But sometimes it's a matter of empowering ourselves with the education to know.  And, and that's what I've been doing the last few years. 

And that's when the father told me, God said, I didn't give you all this information just so that you can overcome depression.  Like you're now supposed to do this and be this and teach this to women so that they can thrive. Just like you are thriving in your health after nine years of struggling.  Um, and so that leads into our next pillar, which is collective action, you know? Being the village, not only for the mothers that we serve, but as providers, we need that village as well. 

Some of you guys are struggling in your own health and you're struggling to have balance like. We thrive when we walk in community.  There has to be collective action. We can not do this alone. Kilah. Can't do this by herself. I don't want everybody, I don't want, I don't want to be surrounded by people who look like me. 

Think like me have had the same experiences that I have. No.  You've gone through what you've gone through because you're called.  

You're called for a certain group of people. You have an understanding that maybe I don't have, and if we are going to support every mother.  

Through the eternal postpartum movement, then we need all hands on deck. And that leads to the last pillar, which is truly being a catalyst for change, believing that we can change our society. We don't have to rely on policies and the government to do the things that we're being called to do, to be the hands and feet of the most high God to reflect  his heart. Where he says care for those in need care for those who are struggling care for the poor care for the needy care for the marginalized.  We can create systems within our practices as  maternal care providers.  To create true. Impactful change to reach more women.  

To attract those that we are called. To attract and serve. I'm tired of this rhetoric in this field that we have to water ourselves down and serve. And be and serve everybody. Like while I do believe that it is important to have a skillset, to walk into the home of a family who may not. Think or look or act. You know, your values, don't align. 

It's so important that we don't allow our own values to hinder. The support that we bring to families who don't necessarily align with us, that is a skill set that everyone working in this field should have.  But I also think that it creates burnout. When we aren't stepping in and serving those who we are called to serve. Because the truth of the matter is you have a knowledge, you have an expertise, you have an experience. That you're meant to share with a specific person.  A specific group of people. Those who are going to eat up everything that you have to say, and it's not going to feel energy draining because it's not getting through the head of those who you, you know, there's just some people we are called to serve. And that's what we bring life and vitality into the work that we are doing. 

When we come in alignment with those who we're called to serve. Those who we are called. Did I say that right?  And so this is the eternal moot postpartum movement. This is the well, isn't an initiative of the postpartum movement. We desire to see again, everything that we've been doing in elephant baby for the last few years is going to be reflected. And the well, and then so much more.  The well is a space where a mother can enter, whether she's had a baby. You know, within the last week. Within the last few months.  Or whether she had her baby five years ago and she's completely burned out. And she stressed. And she doesn't she's if she's hanging on by a thread and she needs a place to reset. The wellest her mother's. Who need to be supported.  So imagine a place where.  Imagine a place or maybe you're a mother listening. 

Imagine a place where you can go.  To retreat and reset and have somebody love on you preparing you nutrient dense meals that help you to replenish all that was lost.  During pregnancy.  During those. Initial weeks postpartum.  

Imagine a place where you can gather with like-minded women and women who maybe don't even think like you, but we are all.  

In unity over the over.  Over the thought and over the notion that mothers. We deserve to be supported and we are the pillars of our homes. We're the foundations of our community. So imagine just being able to be in a space where you can share your story and feel validated. Where you can learn where you can grow, where you can rest.  



Imagine a spaces providers where you can experience similar, you know, some of the same things. 

You can be surrounded by women who are propelling. You. And you're calling who are encouraging your growth, who are supporting you.  

The well we'll feature.  Um,  

It will feature tiny homes that mothers can come and retreat and it'll feature a community garden where we can pull fresh herbs and vegetables and fruits. To prepare for. Um,  Those who.   Have checked in to receive that support.  

The well is a community space. And will I, I'm so excited about this because I have personally just felt alone in my spiritual journey. And so being able to have a space where. We can get back to the ways of.  Have, you know, the most high God and what he desired for us. You know, the very first thing he taught us. The very first thing that we read in the word is how.  He.  

Created the world.  And then he showed us the example of rest.  

And how many of us is women?  Feel like we don't ever get that rest. We can never enter that rest. Can you imagine the thought that he commanded his people?  To rest.  He said the Sabbath. Six days, shall you work seven on the seventh day, you shall rest the Sabbath.  

Was made for man not man for the Sabbath. I think I got that right.  

But the more I learned about God, the more that I dive into the word, I just am able to see the love that he had for me as his daughter, like. The fact that he would, some people would say that that's so legalistic. Oh my gosh. Like you have to keep Sabbath. You have to. You'll have to re like we don't have to do anything. 

First of all.  But when we understand the heart of the most high God. And what he intended for his people.  

The more I dig into that and dive into that. I just.  I just see the beauty of.  His heart to love me. His heart to protect me. And I think wrestling with nine years of depression has helped me to see this. Like when I follow the protocols that he laid out. When I take that time to rest and to honor the Sabbath and to enter into his presence. And to truly do no work. Like how much that benefits my health and every level. When I take the time to pay attention to how He design our bodies and eat in the way that he. Told his people to eat.  

I mean, this aligns with true vitality.  This aligns with lifelong wellness.  And so I'm excited to teach more on that at the well. I'm excited to gather, to gather with women on Sabbath and have Sabbath day gatherings, where we fellowship, where we laugh, where we disconnect. Where we rest, where we dig into the word.  Um, I'm excited too.  Commemorate his appointed times with, um, those who are wanting to participate. And things like the feast of Tabernacles, you know, the feast of trumpets, like.  I think we just so deeply desire that community, that, that fellowship, and just having a good time and. Imagine that God said, these are my appointed times and I'm commanding you to do this. 

I'm commanding you to feast. I'm commanding you to fellowship and I'm commanding you to remember me, like. It's just a beautiful thing. And this is the first year that my family has gotten really to participate in those things fully.  And so I want to share that with other women who desire that, but, um, we'll have a lot of community events outside of that. 

And the goal is just to. Encourage and foster a collective rise of women so that we can do what we're called to do inside of motherhood. And also what we're called to do outside of motherhood. And we're coming up on almost an hour.  So. I thank you guys for just taking the time to hear my heart. And again, I deeply apologize and I promise to do my very best to walk authentically and what God is calling me to do. 

And in, through this initiative of bringing the well to our community, You're the initiative of the eternal postpartum movement. Promise that I will do the very best I can. To just showcase who He is and all of this, and, um, not be cookie cutter and the way that I am. I know going about, um, raising funds and things like things of that sorts. And so I do want to take the time to invite you to be a part of this because we do need you. 

I can't do again. I can't do this alone. We need you. And the fact of the matter is that we need funding. We need funding for the well, and I hate asking for money. And maybe you felt the cringiness through the emails. Because, you know, it's cringy for me. But I, we need you to be a part of this movement. 

And so what I would love to invite you into. This is to take time, to think, take time, to pray. About what you can commit to. For the next year.  To choose an amount. To feel comfortable with an amount that you can give to bringing the initiative of the well to our community by 2025. I want you to really just think about it. 

I don't have any sort of pledge cards made up. I don't have anything set up online. But what I would want you to do is just to. I'm going to be sending this out in an email. It's also going to be posted  as a podcast episode. So, if you're listening on the podcast, then I just want you to reach out to me. 

I manage the account support. At elephant dash, baby.com. Or if you're getting this email simply hit reply to the email. And once you have you've had time, or maybe you've been thinking as I've been talking of how you want to be involved in giving. To this campaign for us to bring the well into our community.  

I want you to email me and just let me know what you just make your pledge today.  It could be a $50 pledge. It could be a $25 pledge for the year. It could be a thousand dollars, whatever you feel led and whatever you feel comfortable with, I'm inviting you in. We, we need you in order to make this happen. In order to make an impact in the lives of mothers and our community. 

And I honestly think that this is going to go beyond community in St. Louis. I believe that people are going to become began traveling. To the city on a hill. I'm going to keep referring to the wall as a city on a hill. I think people are going to begin traveling to the well.  

I think we're going to have the, the opportunity to impact and change the lives of so many women. I think so many women are going to be alignment. Because you move into alignment, move into alignment. Am I saying that right? Yes. Move into alignment of how God created them to be. You know, I believe that so many women have been torn down with lie. 

The lies that quite frankly come from the enemy.  That they're hindering them from their purpose and motherhood and their purpose outside of motherhood. And I believe a lot of women are going to experience freedom. I believe a lot of women are going to experience restoration healing growth.  And even more than that above all, I believe that this movement is truly going to showcase. The most high God and what he desires for his creation. What, who desires on this earth? 

I believe that this is, this movement is going to be so powerful and I want you to be a part of it. And so again, whether it's committing to a $50 pledge, I want to ask, you? What can you give.  

By next year, you know, how much can you give by next year?  Whether it be 50, a hundred, a thousand, 10,025,000.  I'm inviting you into this movement. To be a part of the change.  

The next thing I want to ask is that you would share this video with someone who you think would want to be a part of this movement. Because we need all hands on deck. I can not do this alone.  

And we need you.  

I need your money and your resources. And I hate saying that, but it is what it is.  All right. You guys, um,  Again, it's been almost an hour and thanks for hanging in there with me. I'm really excited about what we're doing here. Um, with the elephant baby foundation, and with elephant baby, I'm so excited to just have the.  

Opportunity and humility to lead this movement and supporting providers and mothers. And reclaiming wellness and collectivism throughout the infinite chapters of postpartum. Based on biblical principles. And, uh, I know it's been awhile since you guys have had an podcast episode. There's definitely more to come. 

So I'll see you on the next episode.

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