God, Why Won't You Heal My Depression: A Journey of Healing & Spiritual Revelation

Introduction:

• Kilah Lawson, host of the Eternal Post-Partum Podcast, shares a deeply personal excerpt from her journal, revealing the struggles and guilt she faces as a mother of five children.
• She delves into the emotional toll of parenting alone and the overwhelming sadness she experiences.

Facing Challenges:

• Kilah discusses her difficulty in connecting with motherhood and feeling inadequate compared to other moms.
• She reflects on her frustration with herself for frequently fussing at her children and feeling disappointed in her parenting behavior.
• The constant noise, mess, and demands of motherhood leave Kilah feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

Finding Hope Through Faith:

• Kilah recounts her plea to God for relief from depression, anxiety, and stress, feeling bewildered by God's apparent lack of intervention.
• She shares her eight-year battle with mental illness and her journey toward healing, emphasizing the importance of faith and obedience in her recovery.

Exploring Healing Methods:

• Kilah details her reluctance to pursue medication for her mental health struggles and her decision to research alternative healing methods.
• She highlights the negative impact of pharmaceutical drugs on many women's mental health and her determination to find a natural solution.

Embracing Change:

• Kilah describes her gradual journey toward reclaiming her health through small, sustainable lifestyle changes.
• She emphasizes the power of community support and accountability in achieving long-term wellness goals.

Spiritual Awakening:

• Kilah shares her realization of the spiritual dimension of her mental health struggles and the influence of demonic strongholds on her life.
• She recounts her experience of deliverance and the profound impact of prayer and spiritual warfare on her journey to healing.

Assessing Spiritual State: 

• Kilah encourages listeners to recognize the spiritual aspect of mental health struggles and to embrace their authority as believers in overcoming spiritual strongholds.
• She expresses gratitude for her journey and the newfound understanding of the connection between faith, health, and healing.

Practical Steps Towards Healing:

• Invites listeners to join a

Join us in the Eternal Postpartum Movement where we seek to radically re-define postpartum, supporting providers and mothers in reclaiming wellness and collectivism through the infinite chapters of postpartum. We invite you to join the movement and make a lasting impact on mothers in need. Every contribution, big or small, helps us bring freedom, restoration, and support to women on their postpartum journey.

✨ Download our free Postpartum Planning Guide and start preparing for your unique journey with confidence.
✨ Register for "Reimagining Motherhood: The Complete Pathway to Combatting Postpartum Depression After Childbirth"—an empowering workshop designed to equip you holistically for the challenges of motherhood.
✨ Book a Maternal Care Catalyst Call and discover personalized support tailored to your needs.
✨ Get involved with The Well: Motherhood & Postpartum Renewal Retreat, opening in St. Louis in 2025—a serene sanctuary for moms to renew their minds, bodies, and spirits.
Visit our website for links and details, and let’s continue to walk this path of wellness and restoration together! 🌟

...

Transcript

 📍 I feel so guilty having five kids and struggling to be around them when it's just me and them.  Why don't I feel this way when Chuck is around it's feels so hard, parenting alone. This hurts me to my core and an overwhelm of  sadness consumes me. When I think about who I am as a mom.  Tears pour from my face 

as I write this, I'm always fussing at them lately and I hate it. I feel disappointed in myself when I hear the playback of what I said.  Motherhood seems to come so easy and naturally to other moms, every concept of what I feel to be "good mothering," I've had to learn from books and articles I read. It doesn't come naturally for me to understand where my kids are developmentally and to truly get on their level. Every day, it feels like such hard work. Thoughts of, "they deserve so much better" constantly flood my brain. The kids are banging on my door as we speak.  I'm so annoyed. 

I'm lacking moments of silence to myself. Some days, I feel really happy. Days like today I struggle. I hate the screaming, the constant whining, the fighting, the complaining, the noise, the mess. It feels unbearable at times.  Reading that really makes me emotional. Welcome back to the eternal post-partum podcast. I'm your host, Kilah Lawson. 

I am so excited to be driving forth this radical movement where we're helping women to truly reclaim the collectivism and wellness through every postpartum chapter. I just bared my soul to you guys. 

This was an excerpt written from my journal  back in may of 2022. In seasons like these, I remember very vividly just crying out to God. Asking him to take the depression that I was experiencing away from me. Asking him to take away the anxiety, the stress, the overwhelm, the burnout, the overstimulation, all of these things that I was experiencing as a mother that I knew. Um, were preventing me from showing up how he wanted me to show up. And I didn't understand why he wouldn't take it away from me. 

 I wrestled with this so badly because I knew in my heart and I believed that God was a healer and that he could heal me. And I felt some type of way because he wasn't doing it for me. And I was begging him  to do it. I was begging him to change me and to make me better.  And.  



Those of you who know my story, you understand. 

And you know that I wrestled with depression. I wrestled with mental illness for over eight years. My first wave of depression started after I had my second. And it wasn't as if depression had a strong hold over me every single day of my life for eight years. I think I even shared that in my journal entry. Some days 

I did feel really happy. Some days I did feel good. Some days I felt like myself. But there was a strong hold over my mind and over my body that was not released until last year.  

Some of you are in the same position that I was in. Some of you are crying out to God for healing. You don't understand why you're going through what you're going through. You don't understand. Why you're overwhelmed and consumed with hopelessness. You don't understand why you are flying off the handle every other day with your children. And you can't seem to reign in your emotions. 

You don't understand this guilt cycle that continues to show up. When you look at yourself and you look at the mom that you are, and it doesn't align with who you know you are created to be deep in your soul. Like it doesn't align.  And then when you have a moment of silence, you, you look at who you are and you just feel guilty. 

 If we want to get really honest and we want to get really raw and transparent, you honestly hate who you are as a mother.  You love your children so deeply. You would do anything for them. And you're even maybe working to heal and to change and to overcome depression and overcome anxiety so that you can show up for them. So that you can show your unconditional love so that you can create a safe space for them in their home. So that you can be emotionally available and present for them. 

You're trying, but it doesn't seem to be enough and you don't understand why God won't heal you from this depression. Why he won't take away the anxiety. Why is allowing you to struggle in this way?  If any of this resonates with you that I encourage you to continue listening.  Because this is a safe space where I understand what you're going through because I went through it and I just want to be very transparent about my journey and what brought me to a place now. To where I am having so many joyful days. I have truly overcome depression. Truly overcome anxiety. And I did it all without any medication. And I want to give praise to the Most High God because he truly has been my deliver. He has truly been my healer. Every step of the way and what I've realized more clearly than ever is that oftentimes we are required to walk in obedience and to take steps in order to truly see the fullness of what Yah has for us in our lives and to see the fullness of the things that we are asking him for. So I want to unpack my journey because I want to be able to help you through yours. 

I want to let you know that there is hope. I want to let you know that. The Most High God has a plan for you. He has a plan for you and his plan for you is not to harm you.  It's not to hurt you. It's to truly give you a hope and a future. But maybe there's some things that you haven't considered along the way. I know for me, it took me years to get to where I am. 

And I know for me that he's positioned me in the place that I am today in order to encourage you. So let's get down to it. Let's unpack it because when I was crying out to God and I was asking him, God, take this depression away from me. What I now realize today on March 12th. 2024, is that if I did not go through what I went through, I would have no ability or capability to be able to help you through what you're going through today. Do you know, sometimes we fail to realize that the reason that we are going through something. It's because the most high God is trying to perfect us to refine us. 

 Have you ever considered that what you're dealing with that there possibly is a lesson that the most high God wants to show you, maybe to encourage others, maybe to break demonic, strongholds that have been running through your bloodline for generations.  Have you ever thought of that?  

Do you truly trust that Yah is sovereign? Do you truly trust his plan over your life? Do we truly understand that he doesn't allow us only to go through the good  but when He sees something in us that needs to change or to be refined, he's going to allow us to go through some things. And sometimes we spend so much time trying to pray it away, that we completely miss his voice, that we completely miss the lesson that we completely missed the opportunity to lean in and to truly draw to him so that we can discover those plans that he has for us.  

 I begged God for years  to heal me. 

I resented him for not showing up for not healing me and the way that I knew that he could. And so I began to take things in my own hands. I began reading books. I began reading over dozens of peer reviewed articles to figure out how I can take control of my life. I knew to my core that, Hey, these medications, these pills, these aren't it. 

These are not the way I understood that to my core.  And then I began to research and read.  I began to study and truly learn the negative impact that pharmaceutical drugs has on the body.  And I began to unveil just how many women were suffering even after making the decision to take an antidepressant or take an anti-anxiety pill.  What I discovered when I began to research is that these pharmaceutical drugs do nothing but oftentimes make things worse for women. We get to a point where it's masking our symptoms and it's causing issues within other areas of our body

and so many women report that they're worse off after beginning to take the drug. And when they try to get off of the drug, they experience withdrawal symptoms and the withdrawal symptoms are truly gruesome. 

I remember coming to a point in my mental health struggle debating, you know, should I take a drug? Should I ask my doctor to prescribe me something? Because  I was literally in between a rock and a hard place. 

So the rock was me experiencing this depression, this hopelessness, these suicidal thoughts having the desire to love my children fully and to show up for them and just to be a loving mom and create this loving space. And the hard place was, you know, being faced with the reality of, I don't know, any other way to heal. 

Um, you know, I know what society says about healing and overcoming and what, what we do to treat depression. But I was so terrified to take that step because I did not want to become dependent on a drug. I did not want to run the risks that came with taking the drug. And so.  The steps that I began to take were just out of a deep need to change.  As hard as it was for me to get up and do everyday simple tasks. I knew that I had to take a hold of my mind and to begin convincing myself that I could heal on my own. That I could reclaim my health and that's exactly what I did. And so when I set out, when I started reading those books, at the time, I didn't even know how I was able to do it, because  those of you who are wrestling with mental illness, know how mentally draining it could be. 

We can't even get up to shower sometimes. So how is it that we are going to get up  and read a book or read articles and take steps to change. And there was also this part of me that resented the fact that why do I have to do this for myself?  I have no one I'm lonely, I'm all alone. I'm pouring into everyone else and nobody ever pours into me. 

And now I have to figure out how to fix my depression. God's not showing up for me. And so I have to figure this out for myself and I was angry. All I was so.  Angry. I was so bitter.  And this is only the grace of the Most High God. Because now looking back on the situation, I realized that  he poured his grace over me, even in my bitterness and my anger and my resentment towards him. 

He poured his grace over me and gave me the strength that is needed in order to truly take steps forward.  

And so what I've learned as I'm doing all this research is that our eternal creator His designed for our bodies truly is perfect. It is. Wow. It's so intricate when we really began to study and learn how He designed our bodies, how He designed our organ systems, how our hormones connect with our gut health. How our nutritional protocols helps us to combat mental illness, how all of these things work together. 

When I began to study those things and apply them into my life.  That's when I started to feel different. That's when I started to just feel better. I started sleeping better. I started gaining energy. I started feeling like myself. I started feeling happy and  that was an emotion that was few and far between.  I started to feel like myself. So I started this journey a few years ago, maybe about three or four years ago.

And a lot of my learning was not only motivated by me reclaiming my own health, but I wanted to be able to elevate the level of care that I was providing to my clients. Because a lot of you know, that I'm a  postpartum vitality coach. I own and operate an agency here locally in St. 

Louis. We are actually providing that hands-on support and education to moms so that they can truly thrive in their motherhood journey.  And so not only did I want this for myself, but I wanted it. Just to be able to help other women. The whole reason why I started my agency was because I was in a place where I was like this life that I'm living is ghetto. 

Nobody should ever have to go through the things that I am going through right now. My motivation and the clarity in my calling it was due to my own experiences of feeling lonely, feeling helpless of feeling depressed, feeling anxious.  And I have such a love for women. I care for women so much. I care for you guys so much. And I thought to myself, nobody should ever have to go through what I'm going through or worse. 

I know there are a lot of you who are dealing with worse.  I know that this is not the original design and the plan that the Most High has for us.  And so again, that's kind of where my motivation stemmed from. And it took a lot of work and I remember starting the journey and just kind of wanting to make these huge overhauls, these huge, big changes in my health. 

And what I realized very quickly is that When we're trying to make radical changes, it's often not sustainable. And so for me, what I found, what worked is.  Taking small little micro steps, making micro changes that I could implement into my life daily. And then once I got a hold and got a grasp of that one small micro change, then I would add another micro change. 

And then I would just keep doing that over and over and over again. And again,  those of you all who have been connected with me for some time, you understand that I teach that micro changes made consistently over a long time, truly have the ability to make. Great positive impact.  Towards your health. 

It creates true sustainable change. And when we do it in this way, we also become less overwhelmed. We're less stressed about it. And this is what I do for women weekly. We get together on a weekly call. They have the resource of my eternal postpartum. 

hub  And all of the information that I drop in the hub and weekly, I meet with them and I share with them, Hey,  based off of your health goals that you have for yourself over the next couple of weeks. I think that you should really look to take a look at these resources. Um, and I think that  it might be good for you to practically focus on this specific step for the next week. 

And the beauty and the power of that community is the fact that you don't have to do this alone. 

 I think a lot of the reason why we've often fail.  is because we're truly trying to improve our health alone. There's a lot that we're doing alone. There's a lot that we are responsible for. We bear the responsibility load in our homes.  We're responsible for so much. 

And so how can we even think to begin to pour in ourselves? And to take steps to better our health, even though we know we need it. How can we do this?  Oftentimes we're doing it alone. And I want to invite you into this space that we've created.  It's an amazing community where you can have a crystal clear guide of what steps that you can be taking weekly daily  you know, those micro changes that you can take  in order to truly reclaim every single aspect of your health, your physical, your emotional, your mental, and your spiritual.  And so again, I began making these changes. 

I began implementing the changes and I began to feel really good.  But. There were still some areas where I was wrestling, especially on an emotional level. I was putting in the work.  I was seeing some progress.  

But there were still some strongholds. Over me.  One thing I began to realize as I began to deepen my connection with Yah as I began to draw in and pursue a relationship with my heavenly father again, because I had the energy to do so.  But when I began to truly lean into him and draw near to him,  One thing that I began to realize was, even though I was feeling good in a lot of areas, especially  a physical way.  There were areas that I was still struggling to take control of.  Specifically again, when we talk about like the interaction that I was having with my kids, I think that was the most evidence that was truly the elephant in the room.  I would start the day with affirmations affirming myself. 

You know, I am a patient mom. I am a loving mom. You know, I was doing all of these affirmations at the beginning of the day and my kids stay home with me 24 7. They homeschool.  And so the beginning of the day was always the best part of the day. Like when everybody wakes up, everybody is usually good and that lasts maybe about five minutes and then we start with the meltdowns and then we start with the arguments and the fights and. And so I was working really, really hard to make sure that I was maintaining control over my emotions so that I could create stability, um, just with my children.  But what I often found, especially on days that Chuck was away from the house. Is that, you know, towards the end of the day, you know, as the day moves on, as the day progressed,  it would just be so much harder for me to have that emotional control to have that patience, to have. That's uh, that love, you know, It was so much easier for me to pour out at the beginning of the day. 

And by the end of the day, I just felt emotionally and mentally depleted.  And when it hit bedtime y'all Ooh, that was a whole nother person. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  

I was a totally different person.  Because I was tired. I was alone. I was trying to do it by myself. I was frustrated. I was ready to have some time to myself but the kids- kids were being kids and they didn't want to go to bed and, you know, they still wanted every ounce of my attention and they wanted to cuddle more and.  Guys. 

I was just tapped out. I was touched out.  And it would lead to me and just like yelling at them, you know, screaming at them to go to bed, like just  yelling at a way that I regretted every single night. And so I started asking myself like,  You know, I, as I'm drawing and trying to lean into the Father, as I'm trying to  you know, exhibit the fruits of the spirit, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness. Like I started getting real, like these are the fruits of the Spirit the fruits of the Holy Spirit are gentleness, kindness, patience 

self-control.  And if I am exhibiting impatience, anger, lack of self-control. Um, if I'm being mean, if I'm.  You know, experiencing this rage then what spirit am I operating out of.  And that's when things started to get very real for me. This is a part of mental health that I feel like that we struggle to truly piece together.

So I grew up in a Christian background and I feel like a lot of Christians first off, completely disregard mental health or if they acknowledged mental health, it's from a place of, oh, you're not praying enough.  And so this is actually part of why I was propelled  into to studying psychology. My degree is in psychology. I pursued counseling. I wanted to be a counselor. Um, after I graduated from high school, I didn't necessarily think that I was going to be helping women in mental health. And, um, but it's obviously something that I learned about when I was earning my degree. And, um,  I was fortunate enough to be able to be taught psychology from a Christian perspective. 



And so what I learned was not only that the Most High God is creator of all truth, but he's, you know, he's the creator of the mind. He's the creator of the body. So, you know, we don't have to fear studying the mind and how it works because the Most High God, he's the creator of it all. 

And he establishes everything that is true.  And so I had a fresh perspective about mental illness and mental health coming into college. But, um, again, what I realized is in a lot of like Christian spaces, you either don't talk about mental health at all, or it's just as chalked up too. You're not being spiritual enough. 

You're not praying enough. And for me, I wrestled with logic and understanding. It's the reason why I went down the path that I did to read all of those books to study all of those peer reviewed articles. Because  I realize now that I completely disregarded the spiritual aspect of mental health. While I did believe that Yah could heal me,

I didn't understand how mental health connects with spiritual health.  

And so this is where I really want to get into it. I want you all to buckle up because some of y'all aren't going to be prepared for what I have to share, but what I have to share is my personal experience. And the reason that I think that I went through my personal experience is because.   Yah wants me to share this with people who are willing and open to receive it.  And so as I started going down this journey and trying to unpack, you know, , if I'm wrestling with these things that are not the fruits of the holy spirit, then what spirit am I operating out of? 

And this is where it really became spiritual for me. I really started to acknowledge and ask the Most High God.  To give me understanding, give me wisdom, give me revelation and insight on how I can overcome. Um, what I now know to be spiritual strongholds, demonic, strongholds that were over my life.  And he began to reveal to me. I began reading this book and the premise of the book. It really goes through how demons access our minds and our bodies and our souls.  And how we break free from those demonic strongholds.  And to be very honest, it took me months to accept the reality of what I was reading in this book, because I came from a background that minimized the effect that demons can have in the life of a believer. One thing that I was always taught was that, you know, if we have the Holy Spirit then no other spirits can basically bother us. I feel like this is so hard to unpack and it's still hard to describe because I still don't understand it fully, but.  What I learned was that, spirits kind of roam and they can  be around us, but they don't really have the potential to dwell within us or influence us in a greater level.  And as I've gone through deliverance and as I've gone through, um, you know, healing now I'm realizing. 

I understand, like if I were the enemy, the first thing that I would do is to make people believe that my presence on this earth and the work that I'm doing on the earth, isn't really that big of a deal. And that's kind of what I thought  my entire life was, you know, the enemy's there he's there, but I didn't understand the dynamic and the gravity of the way that he can operate and influence, even believers.  And so   as I'm learning about demonic, curses and covenants and strongholds, I truly wrestled with it. As I was learning and awakening to the truth. I started having night terrors and panic attacks on a whole nother level than I'd ever had before. 

 I'd always wrestled with my dreams. I always wrestled with getting good restorative sleep. I always had nightmares. I wrestled with, uh, hallucinations at night. I would often wake up in the middle of the night and just full, complete panic and fear. And for me, I always connected that with, you know, the physical, you know, I'm thinking to myself, oh, there must be some level of nutritional deficiency that I'm experiencing. 

Maybe I need magnesium. So the logic part of my brain always tied those things to something that I needed to address physically again, me trying to take control of my health and my situation.  But, um, when I began reading this book and when the Most High God began to reveal to me, Hey, this is the truth about the spiritual realm, and this is how demons operate.  I again, I couldn't accept it, but the intensity of the night terrors and the nighttime panic attacks that I was having they increased to the point to where I would wake up and I would just cry, cry, cry. 

I did not want to go back to sleep because I was scared. And I had shared this with my husband and he began speaking an encouraging word over me. And showing me how to apply you know, the, the armor of God and to truly engage in warfare.  And that night I specifically went to my church life group. Because I, in my mind, I was like, I kind of believe this, but I don't have the faith.

I don't know how to overcome what I am dealing with. I don't know how to do this and I don't have the faith. To be able to speak against these night terrors, this demonic activity that is happening every single night. And so I went to my life group and I'm like, I shared with him what I was dealing with. 

And.  They prayed over me. And apparently somebody believed what they were praying. And, um, That night I had gone to bed and my husband woke up the next morning and he, he shared with me that I was quoting the book of Psalms in my sleep.  And  guys, I can't explain to you just how powerful that was.  Do you like.  I just can't explain how powerful that was.  When you come from a place where you are experiencing panic attacks, night terrors, hallucinations, invasive thoughts, like all of those things consistently for years, and then to be told, Hey, you were quoting the book of Psalms in your sleep last night. 

Like.  

The Most High, confirmed it in such a way, like.  

I just,  I can't explain how grateful that I was, and still am for the grace of the Most High God.  Even in my unbelief and, um, my doubt on how I can address the things that I was going through.  I had community around me. I had other believers around me. Who uplifted me, who prayed for me? 

Who encouraged me? Who spoke those spirits. Out of my life and out of my mind who told those spirits to go, you can not have her she's a child of the most high God. They walked in. They authority that I don't, I don't even know if they realize what they did.  

And to me, this was the beginning of truly scales, just beginning to fall off of my eyes.  And I told Yah, I said, Yah you have my attention. You have my attention.  I see now. It's not all in my head. You are teaching me something. You are revealing something to me. You are showing me this for a reason.  And after that point in time, 

I just, I just had all of these strongholds just begin to fall off of me. I began to recognize that depression.  The stronghold of depression.  

Yes. It correlates with your physical.  Yes. It correlates with the mental and the emotional. But it is also very spiritual. And I'll tell you something. People are not teaching this. People are not teaching this truth.  And I know. For a matter of fact, the reason why that I went through what I went through.  As to have the understanding and the revelation that, yes, this is spiritual.  And when you walk in your authority as a believer to, to stop on the heel of the enemy, to, to crush the heel of the enemy.  



And to cast demons away from your life and say, you guys can not have access to

my mind, my body, my family. You can not have access to my home because I am a child of the Most High God.  Because I walk in the authority that I was given because of the bloodshed. By my Messiah, when we begin to grasp that, understand it and walk in it. Then that's when we can truly experience deliverance and healing.  But there's another component to it. That again a lot of people aren't speaking about.  

What if the most high God had healed me when I was crying out to him 4 5, 6 years ago.  If we're looking at this, like it's a spiritual stronghold that the enemy was given access to my mind.  

If we look at it from the perspective of.  You know that this is a result of sin in the world. This could be a result of sin in my life. This could be a result of generational sin patterns. If we look at it from the spiritual standpoint.  

Then what would have happened at the most high God  healed me from what I knew to be a physical issue or what I knew to be a mental issue.  

Without understanding the other aspects of health that are involved.  Because five years ago, I saw depression as a mental issue. And then it took me on our journey to understand, you know, how can I heal without pharmaceutical drugs? And then I started to learn and to realize that, Hey, wow, there's a lot of physical components that lead to depression.  So my physical health, my nutrition, the things that I'm eating, my hormones, my stress levels, environmental factors, all of these things are contributing to my mental health issue.  

If Yah would have healed me right then and there, I would have never had that revelation to piece together that Hey there's some physical things that are happening to.  

And not only that I was able to connect it to emotional issues.  I was able to connect the fact that symptoms of depression and anxiety are heavily linked to emotional trauma.  And throughout my journey over the last few years, I've had to unpack, you know, what are some emotional traumas that I have stored in my body that I need to release in order to also release the symptoms of depression and anxiety.  

And so up until last year, I had an understanding of all three aspects of those health. I had an understanding of the mental, the physical and emotional and how those three things.  Contributed to my mental health issues, how they interconnected.  But I was still missing that spiritual piece.  

So had Yah healed me five years ago, I would have never walked the journey to learn. You know, physically, emotionally, mentally, this is what you need to have in order.  

So I share with you guys like I, when I started implementing and paying attention to the physical and emotional.  I started feeling better.  But last year I was still wrestling with the spiritual component of it.  



And it was almost like the Most High God said I needed to get this in order first. 

And then I'm going to reveal to you spiritually, how this connects.  And that's exactly what He did.  

So let's say that you're dealing with depression or anxiety or some other mental illness.  And let's say that you began to recognize it as, Ooh, this is a spiritual stronghold  and I can walk in my authority as a believer to come against everything that the enemy is trying to take from me, including my mind.  

What happens when you receive healing and deliverance?  When you receive that healing and when you receive that deliverance, are you prepared for it?  Are you prepared to maintain the healing in  every aspect.  On a spiritual level. Are you prepared to maintain  the deliverance. 

Are you engaging in spiritual disciplines that act as warfare in the spiritual realm?  

 Are you humbling yourself before the most high God?  And confessing your sins to him and repenting and turning away from lifestyle of sin that gives access to the enemy.  Because we have to realize that when we study scripture, we realize that the enemy is the accuser. We have to look at our lives 

like we are in a courtroom.  

When, when Satan comes and enters the courtroom.  He comes and he talks to the judge.  The judge is the Most High God.  And if Satan come to the throne room and says, I want to steal from Kilah I want to take from her. I want to destroy her and I'm able to do this because she has a sin in her life.  

We have our Messiah. Who's the High Priest who intercedes for us. So even if we don't show up to court, even if we're not entering into the throne room, and that happens through prayer. Even if our prayer lives are dry, we have  our intercessor, our Messiah who's interceding on our behalf.  



I want to paint this picture for you. 

Cause I want you all to understand what's happening spiritually here. So Satan accuses, he goes to the judge. We have the high priest who intercedes, but ultimately it's up to the Most High God  to allow the judgment or the consequence.  Sometimes we have these thoughts that the Most High God only allows what is good in our life and everything else is the enemy. 

But no, we have to understand and realize like,  Look at job's life.  Satan had to go to God to get permission in order to influence his life. There's nothing that Satan does that the Most High God doesn't allow. That is the true picture of what sovereignty is. And sometimes this is a hard truth for us to come into.  

But  because I know the nature of my God. Because I know the nature of, Yah I understand that he truly wants what's good for me. And if I'm living a life where I'm not drawing closer to him, leaning into him, practicing spiritual disciplines. You know, paying attention to his instructions that he set apart for me, for, for my life... that I'm not living in obedience.  All of those things were meant to protect me. 

It's like the relationship of a father and a child.  I'll just I'll make it even more practical. It's like the relationship that we have as mothers with our children.  



We love our children so much to just be able to correct them and chasten them and discipline them when they are wrong to show them, Hey, you are wrong in this area. 

I need you to come back to the truth. Because the truth and living in righteousness and living in obedience, those things are going to bring about life.  

And the opposite of those things and living in um, destruction, living in lies, living in sin. Those things are going to bring about your damnation. They're going to bring about your destruction.  and that's literally and figuratively.  Yah is the exact same way. 

He sees us as his children. He knows every single thing that's happening in the spiritual and the physical things that we can't see he's above it all. He's the creator of it all. He is the creator of our bodies. He created the world. He knows. And so if he's allowing something, if he's allowing the enemy to have access to something, then in my mind, and this is what I would encourage you. 

We gotta pay attention. You know, what's in my life that I've given the enemy access to that I need to turn away from and come in and reconcile back onto the most high God. You know,  what do I need to do? What do I need to confess? What do I need to turn away from so that I can come back into the peace in the presence of the Most High God  



so do we get that? 

Do you understand that? 

So let's go back to that question that I asked.  

If Yah were to heal, you. And to deliver you from the depression and the anxiety are you prepared to maintain the healing?  On a spiritual level.  You know, are you prepared?  Are you walking uprightly? What's your track record spiritually.

Can the most high trust that you're going to use your mental health?  In order to further his kingdom.  Or does he know that, oh, if I restore her health, she's not going to pay attention to anything that I've been telling her to do or that I want her to do. She's just going to go do work for the enemy. Like she's been doing the last few years.  

Are you prepared spiritually for the healing?  And then other aspects that we need to consider are the physical, the emotional and the mental. Are you prepared to maintain the healing?  



If you were delivered from depression and anxiety, do you know how to maintain your physical health?  

Are you practicing stewardship over your body  to ensure that your body isn't depleted and that you're not positioning yourself to susceptibility of nutritional deficiencies, that link to mental health disorders.  Do you get what I'm saying?  We have to understand and acknowledge all aspects of health.  

You have to be prepared. On a spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional level for any healing that the Most High God decides that he's going to pour upon you. 



If we're not presenting our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto the most high God  

then doesn't that give the enemy room to take from us again.  

The thing about it is. What I know about Yah, that he is so gracious and he's so loving. We don't always have to have every single aspect of our life together. We don't have to be perfect in every single way.   The blood of our Messiah took care of that.  Yah, has always shown himself to be gracious and loving.  , even in seasons of rebellion or even in seasons where we are not listening for his ear, even in seasons, when we're not all the way there, I can see 

so clearly how his hand was over me.  He still was like pulling me toward him, like trying to get my attention. He's just that good. He's just that gracious. He's just that loving.  

But we can't take the grace of Yah for granted.  He might be gracious enough to heal. He might be gracious enough to pour his love over us.  

But the promises of protection and working everything together for our good, they're conditional promises.  Romans 8 28 says.  All things work together for good to those who love him. If I look back and if I were to ask myself, did I truly love Yah in those seasons was I truly chasing after him was I desiring him, was I desiring to be like him and to reflect his heart and to walk in his ways and to keep his ordinances and to keep his commands and to obey him. Was I living a life in full surrender  to his sovereignty and his goodness. If I answer those questions, I didn't realize just how lulled to sleep 

I had been as a believer. I didn't realize my state of lukewarm warmness. I was still praying. I was still crying out to him. I was still journaling. I was still seeking him.  But  my heart was truly far from him.  

 And this is what I want to encourage you with today. Where are you with your relationship with the most high.  

What is he trying to teach you? What is he trying to awaken you to in this season that you might be asleep to.  Are you alone? Are you trying to figure this out by yourself? You don't have to be alone in this.  This is why the most high allowed me to go through what I went through so that I can encourage you and uplift you and walk alongside you in the season. This is why he pressed upon my heart  

to drive forth. The eternal postpartum movement so that we have community.

So that you are equipped and so that you are capable.  To reclaim every single aspect of your health.  So the, to have a community of like-minded women around you who are working not only towards their goals, but we're rooting for you. 

We're encouraging you. We are praying for you.  We want to see your healing. We want to see you reclaim your health so that you can not only show up to be the mother that you were truly designed to be. But so you can walk in whatever the most high is calling you to in this season. 

And so this is an open invitation. I want you to join us in the movement.  

If you know that things have to change, I encourage you. Don't put this off any longer join us in our community every single week. Before we do our moment to meet ups, our accountability check-ins. We kick it off with a Bible study and we just delve into the word together and we pray together and we read the word together and then we go into the practical. And we, we start outlining steps. Hey, this is what I'm going to do. This is what I need to focus on.  Maybe it's gut healing, or maybe it's specifically hormone balance. Don't worry about any of that, because what's going to happen is we're going to go through a vitality check and the vitality check is a survey  where I ask you a bunch of questions.  And the answers to those questions are going to help me to get, get an idea of where you are in your health and what areas we need to be working to improve.  And the goal is for you to be in the driver's seat.  I want you to understand for yourself.  So that when you're hit with something in the future, you know what to look for, you know, what questions to ask, you know, what to take to your healthcare provider.  You feel empowered in the choices that you're making.  So 

I'm going to drop the link to my Facebook profile so you can send me a DM and just message me the words I'm ready to reclaim my health.

If you're not quite ready, that's fine. And if you just want to join a space where you can kind of be encouraged and still learn, then  I invite you to join our Facebook community and I'm going to drop the link to that below as well. I'm so excited for you to reclaim wellness and the collectivism that you've deeply longed for in your motherhood journey. I'll see you in the next episode.